I was wrong again. Something is wrong with me. Or with the way I think.
I’m a negative-thinking optimist. Does that make sense? I hope for the best but I expect the worst. For the past few years, I have become more and more aware of this. And like a girl looking from the outside in, I watched myself prove my negative expectations wrong. To my joy, relief, and amazement. I proved that I was wrong in expecting bad things to happen. I doubt my worthiness too much. I doubt myself, too much. And here’s the evidence.
I want to start a magazine.
I am starting a magazine.
I am working hard and am getting close to getting this magazine started. I wanted to get in touch with the founder of another magazine in a similar niche. Perhaps, he or she could help me out. Perhaps, we could even work together. Besides, we’re both Christians and the magazine I have in mind also aims to glorify God.
Then, I started having negative thoughts about connecting with this person who I still don’t know who is. What if he’s not as good a person as I hope he would be? What if she takes advantage of my being a newbie instead of help me? What if…? Yeah, until I had forgotten the idea. That was a few years back.
Then weeks ago, I met up with her!
A common friend connected us. It turned out we have a lot of common friends! Friends I trust. Good friends. We should get along, right? I had forgotten that I had planned on setting a meeting with this person before. I didn’t realize that until (I think) we finally met up. (“Hey, I thought of this, but imagined it turning out really bad, years ago!”)
After that meeting, I rebuked myself. Thank you.
She was definitely a better person than I am. Based on my assessment. (Forgive me, I’m still struggling with being judgmental.) She’s more selfless, more hardworking, more stable, more mature, more… more… more… I was so wrong. And happy that I had been. 🙂
I think I’m gonna get in touch with her next week to ask her to mentor the team I’m starting.
And then there’s this other instance.
There was another person that kept popping in my head. Haha. You guessed it right, I thought that this person will reject me if I share my vision. I was so concerned and negative about it that I set aside the thought until a friend suggested that I get in touch with this man’s daughter. I thought, what the heck, I should probably reach out to them for help. He was thrilled about the concept. Wrong again.
Then last week, I sent a friend of mine a message saying, “I wanna reach out to this girl but she might not be interested in what I have to share.” That girl, it turned out, gave a resounding “yes.”
I have changed a lot. The negativity I carry now is a lot less than what I used to carry around. Just imagine DOUBT personified. That would be me. Self-doubting. Rambling for worthiness. Brainwashing self that she’s cool, but running away from validation. What. In. The. World.
But hey. I have some victories too. There were actually times when I told myself the opposite. Like I would tell myself, “I’m gonna do awesome.” “Things could only get better!” “Good things are coming my way.” And they do. They do! I’m not talking about positive talk. I’m talking about aligning my mind to God’s word:
“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
This is probably one of the most quoted scriptures in our day. I cling to it. I speak it. I chew it. I translate it into declarations over my life and my days.
“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.” Psalm 23:6
How about, “Surely goodness follow every minute of every day of my life”? I try that every morning. Not because I have the power to make that happen but because the God who said it does.
Sometimes, negative thoughts still come barging in my head. I chase them away with God’s Word. Positivity only goes so far. But God’s Words are powerful. It changed my life. It changed my mind, the way I think (negatively). And though I’m still working on it, I know I’m headed to a better place now.