Posted in Hunger, Journal

dear guitar, why aren’t you here yet?


hello guitar

I know I know. I look scary in this photo. But I miss playing with my guitar. Oh no no. I’m not a good guitar player. I’m not sure if I will pass for averagely skilled. But I used to play a lot and get lost in new melodies and words. Now, and for quite a bit too long a while now, it has been difficult to find my voice back. I mean, I can lead worship in a small group. I can sing in the Spirit when leading. I can press in. But when I’m alone, I find myself kind of lost for words and meaning. There was a time when leading a group into God’s presence was harder than entering His presence in worship (on my own and home alone). But now, these two have literally switched places. I hardly find new songs coming out when I’m alone with God. This makes me think that everything that happens in the prayer group must be pure grace from God. I must be backslidden and the only thing that’s helping me lead worship is God’s unlimited grace for the backslidden.

But this doesn’t mean I don’t want to find my voice again. But it’s not really about the words, the tune or the new songs. It’s that laid down position of my heart that I miss. That kind of heart that enters without any plans of coming out. That heart that melts right that very first second it turns itself to awareness of God’s presence. That kind of heart that considers God’s omnipresence the same as His manifest presence. There is no difference because where God is, He is also felt.

And so I came by to post this one to say I miss my guitar. It’s not home right now. And I miss playing with my guitar and singing with my guitar. But at the heart of it all, it’s really God’s presence that I miss. I wish August will not leave me the same.

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Author:

broken. humbled. a life that's ruined for a cause. a jesus revolutionary.

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