January 4. It was my mom’s birthday which became our first day at the hospital.
It was nothing serious as the torturous sickness of the patient next door but nonetheless it broke me. Daily. Even ’til after I was released 3 days later though still un-resurrected, but supposedly able to fight off the infection with the help of oral meds for an unexpected number of days on our living room sofa.
Some of those days, I cried like a baby, like a girl who lost her faith, like a miser who didn’t know God. Sickness can break the weak of spirit. Because it came when I least had strength, inside.
(My mom was not hospitalized. I was. She took care of me. Until then, I didn’t realize how foolish and ungrateful of a daughter I had been…)
I asked God the questions I never thought I would ask. I blamed myself for prayerlessness. I hated how I had been so wrong and that it had to take a sickness to make me realize it.
I prayed until I felt my heart begin to turn into flesh.
At first, I couldn’t feel God’s love. At all. But each loving embrace from Mommy during my most painful minutes on my bed brought immense relief that no meds could give. It was like… a miracle drug – the loving hug.
So as Mr. C.S. Lewis had discovered that “God whispers to us in our pleasures speaks in our conscience but shouts in our pains,” I also learned that sometimes, pain deafens us to the voice of God. But when someone as real as an embrace pulls us close to breathe hope and comfort, we begin to hear God again.
When a person embraces you and your pain, you realize that God has not forsaken you. He has not forgotten to provide you with someone who will make His love more felt. Sometimes, when everything inside you is screaming, “Enough please!” all you need is a face and a pair of arms to tell you, “Don’t give up, I’m here.”
So this was how God broke me and healed me. He crushed my pride and helped me be stripped of apathy towards a suffering world. I will never look at a sick person the same way again. I don’t ever want to be insensitive and without compassion. Oh God, help us love the broken.
We are learning. The lessons from a hospital bed.
I got sick with gastroenteritis caused by a harmful bacteria I ingested from some restaurant food I had last January 3. The severe discomfort was caused by the stomach cramps, high fever and diarrhea caused by the invasive bacteria. I got back to work just yesterday, January 16.
God taught me other lessons during the time when I was sick. I learned to hold the “sword” again, and learned how to surrender my will to God. Perhaps, more about that on my next blog entries.
But I thank God He didn’t just heal me physically but restored me spiritually.