Joy and Pain

It’s been a while, a long while, since I last posted here. I have had so many blessed moments – big and small – that I wish I had the time and freedom to tell you about it.

Like when I had prayed and prayed for a pair of black shoes and God indeed led me to a 50% off bargain from Naturalizer (just right after I almost bought a pair at the store right across).

And also that time when God was speaking to me about love through Heidi Baker’s writings, and suddenly I had a tug from the Spirit to pray for an old man walking painfully to church so early in the morning… I went back for him after passing him by (- I made a u-turn -) but only to be rejected. He didn’t want prayer. I swear, his facial expression was shouting, “You’re weird and spooky, lady!”

Then there was my MBA-program application together with 3 jobs that I had gotten into that I swore I will never get into again – at least not all at the same time! Then there was the grace to submit my requirements even though my previous company made it so difficult for me to get my Certificate of Employment. (So as the Holy Spirit had led me, I searched for my SSS records while I was in Hong Kong, in time to submit it when I got back to Manila.) And there were more challenges and I swear God just kept giving wisdom how to deal! Such grace in a time of need!

And yes, there was Hong Kong and it’s crazy schedule, favor and blessing and all the good and bad combined. Good – the blessing of being cutting edge of what God is doing, meeting leaders from across the globe, and enjoying the favor of being in Noah’s Ark, something I had dreamed of years before! Bad – not having enough sleep and rest, getting sick, my flight delayed, my plans derailed, ending up traveling 7 hours via land (on installments) on Monday rather than having the much desired rest after an October-long workaholic month.

Then came Tuesday and the Convergence and the overwhelming move of God, but still not much rest because I had a guest at home for 5 days.
After the endless itineraries, I finally find myself some time alone with God. I realized that ministry had pulled my heart to an indescribable distance from where it used to be – so close to His. But it never pulled His heart and eyes away from me. He remained steady. But the funny thing is that just when I thought I could finally rest, something happens.

I packed as fast as I could and tried hard not to cry while walking towards the public transport. I wiped my cheeks and eyes the best I can, to make sure the passengers won’t notice. Where is home? I know, God is. Right now, only God is.

When someone you love finds you crying in pain, you’d think you’d get sympathy and not apathy. And so I thought. But right now my thoughts are just dreams. I dream of home, wherever that may be. I dream of rest, however that may feel. I dream healing.

Everyday, I see people in pain. I used to not understand how to better love them. But now I understand how it feels to be far, distant and lost. I understand them better now.

The next time someone cusses, I would know better what drives him to. The next time I see someone with a blank stare, I know better not to blame it on lack of quiet time. The next time I see someone running away from home, I know better that it was not like she wanted to, but just had to. The next time I see someone running away from God, I know that deep inside he really wants to run towards God. If only someone would grab his arm, not to scold, but to bear. Bear his burden with him.

I will never forget praying for the people from ml Chna in our meeting. I felt their pain. It is something that the rest of the Body should bear with them. Now, I know better. When the world groans, don’t cover your ears. When blood is spilled, don’t cover your eyes. Because through pain, God is able to teach us better how to love.