Let’s face it. Faith for one impossible thing does not automatically reproduce itself into faith for another impossible thing. Even if we are talking about very similar situations that are happening in the same time period.
Take for instance my happy answered-prayer-of-faith-moment weeks ago, when I had asked God for money. I wanted to send some of our dormitory’s young people to the Fresh Fire Conference in Cebu City this May 24-26. I wanted to sponsor a number of them who will desire to join. I don’t have money. I am still short of completing my finances for the World Prayer Assembly in Indonesia on May 14-18, where God has spoken to me to go. I was confident that I could save up for that trip until God also challenged me to go to Singapore weeks ago for the Kingdom Invasion conference. Now, I’ve emptied my liquidity cup to its dregs.
Then came an envelope:
…handed to me by my churchmate saying, “I don’t know who it came from.”
It was not until moments later that I remembered that I have prayed for provision for the youth to go to the Fresh Fire Conference. I couldn’t describe how I felt. I knew God was encouraging me to keep going. (Pioneering in ministry can be pretty draining…)
But then I also desired to go to the Nazirite Trainers’ Training last Monday to Wednesday and I didn’t have the P3,000+ for the fee so I didn’t make it. And I’m wrestling against discouragement right now because I need to believe for finances for the prayer assembly in May.
It’s a wonderful thing to hear from God. But it’s also sometimes a daunting thing to walk by faith. One of my flaws is that sometimes I have the tendency to feel that God takes care of releasing the command to go, and I’m often left with the pressure to fulfill his instructions. (And this is not His will!)
It is not that God had never proven to me that where He guides, He provides and that where there’s vision, there’s provision. I’ve experienced supernatural provision before. But when we’re asked to walk on water again, there’s always that sense that we’re walking on unchartered seas. It looks familiar, but feels new, uncertain, and scary. We’re called to trust again, once again. And I am ashamed to confess that just like Jesus’ disciples who seemed to have it backwards when Jesus had another opportunity to multiply bread, I am wondering like Philip how in the world are we going to feed 5000 men because it will cost us “half year’s wages” to do that. (John 6:1-15)
I wish I could say, “I have the faith for this.” But right now, all that’s keeping me from backing out is my “default mode” to never choose to walk against God’s instruction. It’s not even passion. It’s not even joy. I just know that I want to obey. I’m not ecstatic about the thought of obeying. I just know that I have to be where God says I should be. Maybe it’s grace. Maybe it’s stubborn grace. But it’s far from great faith.
God provides. He has provided so many times. He has just miraculously provided, recently. It’s crazy how I find it so difficult to just believe Him for such a small amount when He’s given so much more before. I don’t know why!!! But all I’m saying is that I’m not giving up on myself, and my inability to piece these together. But I know that somewhere along the way, if I don’t give up, I’ll see Him come though. I don’t know how, I want to cry, I already did a number of times, but He knows exactly what to do. So let me just sing, “Abba…,” and wait for the song to sink in and my spirit to begin to understand what it really means to be His daughter, to trust Him, to have faith in Him, to truly be intimate with Him. Hoping to find Him again in the midst of all these. Believing I’ll find Him in the midst of all these. Selah.