The search for the cure started after I gave my life to God. (A scary thing to do for some people. But for me, I trusted him with my life because I did not trust myself anymore. Who could be a better guide than someone who loves you more than you love yourself, and who knows everything – even the future -right?) I thought that change will be instant and that freedom would be inevitable. But years passed and I was still struggling. I wondered why I wasn’t any different from the world in all my struggles.
I pressed on to know my God even more and to ask him to “fix me.” I thought that if I prayed often enough, hard enough, passionately enough, he would take pity on me and fix what’s wrong with me. There were days when I actually felt I was a lot better. But there were also days when I wondered if there really was complete freedom from my struggles. I knew the answer was with God but I couldn’t understand why he would not give me what I was asking. I felt like whichever way I turned, there was only disappointment. Faith seemed like an impossible mountain to possess. Then I finally broke down. I couldn’t take the disappointments anymore. It seemed like the end of the road and God would not provide a way out. I wanted to hate God but if I did, I had no one to turn to. I was stuck. I couldn’t be any more hopeless or messed up. I had my hair dyed. Haha. Hoping to find some solace in going to the salon. If I had more money, I could have splurged on more worthless things.
I had flown to Cebu to find God, to fix myself, and to find clarity in what the heck I am doing with my life. I went back home after a week, still a mess. Actually, a partially tidied up mess. Still a mess though.