Whenever friends would ask me how I am doing, I would always say, “It gets better every week” or something to that effect. It is true. I really am getting better. But it is also true that those “getting better” moments usually happen after a steep crash. The amazing thing however is that, every time I crash, God always lifts me up higher than before. And every time I crash again, it’s also not as low as the last time. Pretty neat huh? But every time I crash, of course I don’t think it’s pretty neat. Haha. I just feel… crappy. LOL.
For some reason, (and I know too that it’s because I prayed and sensed that God wanted me to say ‘yes’) I said ‘yes’ to two ministry opportunities this weekend. I just thought I was ready already. Yey! Well guess what? Towards Friday and Saturday, I started doubting my readiness. Oh yeah, it was cowardly. I had thoughts of backing out. Just crazy. But God pulled me through. And I was blessed. People were blessed (or so they say.. hehehe). But after that, *zoom* there I was again, on the floor.
But I tried my best not to even “try” this time. Oh yeah, take it easy because no effort will really change God’s love for me. It is a season to learn how to practice dependence. I’ve relied too much on my flesh the past seasons. I thought I was depending on the Holy Spirit, but I was depending on the flesh, under the guise of ‘being prayerful’ and ‘zealous.’ It’s hard to explain but if you’ve been through that phase, you’ll know what I mean.
So there I was, in the ditch again. I couldn’t even sing. I didn’t know what to sing and the song just didn’t want to come out. I read my Bible. Good start. Then I remembered why I feel tired. Cried it off. What’s next? Hello God. What do you want me to do?
Help. Save me. Anything, God. I know you’re there… And yes he is. I fell asleep while listening to a sermon on mp3. Then I woke up just in time to hear God’s words for me: TO TAKE THE TEARS INTO A SPRING OF JOY. Worshippers turn the valley of tears into a spring of joy. Woah. I know you already told me to praise. Apparently I forgot. Now here’s Bill Johnson and the Holy Spirit trying to remind me. Get up and worship.
That afternoon, after cleaning my room and helping my mom re-arrange the house furniture, I laid down on the floor to rest. Then I prayed. I thanked God for His love. I said I couldn’t feel it but I know it’s constant, unlike my emotions. I just said the words even if I didn’t feel anything. I said I felt bad that I couldn’t feel but I just kept on declaring His goodness. Then pain came, like when your sacrifice gets burned up. And your sacrifice is you. His fire burns your ungratefulness, burns yours lack of faith, burns your doubtfulness which is sin, burns your self-absorption, burns the dross that’s been exposed by your willingness to acknowledge that He is still worthy despite how you feel. Because He is. He always is. And it is pride to not worship Him just because we don’t feel like it. But it would also be pride to cook up our emotions and think that we can worship Him on our own strength. But the moment we learn to just lean and say ‘I can’t worship but I know you deserve it, so I worship You,’ something happens. It’s a paradox saying you can’t but you will. It’s God’s grace moving. But it starts with humility in asking. And the resolve comes because He is IN you. The Spirit inside us cries out ‘Abba.’ And then we realize, I realized, it’s all there. And every time, I feel this weak, I just have to lean some more. Leaning does not mean magnifying the pain and crying over it as I used to be in the habit of doing. It just means I let Him catch me because I trust His hands are ready anytime I let go.