Posted in Journal, Prayer, Ramblings

so I grit my teeth…


So much has happened lately. Well, maybe nothing like me winning the lottery but only God knows if these things are not just as huge right?

Let me recap a bit, it’s Day 11 of my ‘lifetime’ commitment to my morning devotions and it’s been overwhelming. (But let me just clarify that I do have a prayer time before but it’s just now that I’ve found the grace to do it “this way.” < What ‘this way’ means would be for another blog entry.) Overwhelming not because I’m been always excited about it when I wake up. Oh no. Just the opposite. Believe me, some if not most days, I’d be dragging myself out of slumber. I’d be dragging my eyes through the lines on my Bible. I’d be dragging my mind and heart to give God undivided attention during worship. But let me point out that those same days when I dragged and pushed and strangled myself, were also the same days when I would have to force myself to end my worship time, or determine to stop reading because it’s getting too late for breakfast preparation. When we wait for God, amidst and despite the pull of our flesh to just give up, He always comes – not on the dot, but on HIS TERMS. We have to be willing to GIVE IN to His terms. He is God. But He is also LOVE.After one week, you’d probably think that it has gotten easier. Truth is, it got tougher. Just this morning, I was literally pleading with God to miraculously keep my mind on the Book I was reading. I was groping for strength to stay on it. It’s crazy. I feel terrible that I am capable of having such tepid emotions towards God’s living Word. It’s also crazy how numb I get even when anointed worship is playing. But God is not after our anointing. He’s the one who gives it. He’s after our obedience. So I STAY. I stay on it as HARD as I can hold on to a slippery fish.

I didn’t use to be like this. For years then I’ve struggled with not having my own room where I can privately pray. Those years, I had no problem getting excited every morning. I’d lie awake at the first wisp of consciousness and remember Jesus right away. I’d be filled with love and longing. Even before I open my eyes. The Holy Spirit seemed to hover over my couch (where I sleep) and I’d go sit down on the floor and embrace the couch as if I were embracing God’s love. His presence would be so sweet that I didn’t even have to try to worship. But His presence is always costly. You think that season was heavenly? Far from it! Many days, I’d be spending time with God while the TV just two meters from my couch is raging with noise. Other times, my mom would be scurrying around. I told myself I can block out all distractions through a focused mind. Heck yeah! I’m not supergirl, that’s what I realized after months of trying. So I GAVE IN to God. I prayed the best I can. I’m not after convenience. I’m longing for obedience. I thank you for even just the opportunity to know YOU.

One conclusion. Glory has a cost. You want God to come? Ask for the grace to have enough zeal in you to pay the price. You want His glory to stay? That’s another story. You have to remain faithful in stewarding what you have been given. (Remember the Parable of the Talents?)

But the rewards. Believe me, the rewards are immeasurable. However, that would be, for another blog entry. To give you a glimpse, though, I stopped thinking of something without even trying. My mind must have been renewed and delivered. I also started cooking breakfast (MWF now) without even trying! It just happened! But of course, I had to sustain it with some effort. I get divine appointments with mp3 teachings right on the day I need to listen to them (all in just a week’s time). And all of a sudden, this “new thing” came up and some of the things that have been happening the past weeks suddenly adds up! (That this is something besides the ministries and past projects I’ve been onto.)

Like I said, the rewards would be for another blog entry. It’s only been less than 2 weeks. I invite you to try it out and splurge. Splurge on reading His Word. Challenge your flesh to submit. Remember, the spirit is always willing. 🙂

Please do leave some comments. Have you experienced the same struggle I experienced or have you always been the diligent type, reading 10 chapters of your Bible per day, or perhaps even way more than that… Did you experience something like this way back? Or perhaps, your work keeps you from spending quality time with God… I’ve experience that before too. 🙂 It’s awesome though, how God loves us regardless of how well we’re doing in our walk with Him. 😀

This might just be a good New Year’s blog. But whatdaheck, it’s only Christmas, not yet 2011. Hahaha.

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broken. humbled. a life that's ruined for a cause. a jesus revolutionary.

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