who am i ?

I am avoiding every temptation to check my reflection on the mirror. I know I would see my flaws, my weaknesses, my dis-qualification, my lack of credential and experience, my weak track record or the absence thereof, and my oh my, a long list of why-I-cannot. I feel the mirror drawing me, pulling me to turn my face and face it! Inside, I sense a resistance, from my inner man, the wisdom to resist looking to my circumstance. I am not exactly the best pick but God did pick me. I want to rebut but I know it is not wise. Who am I? I am a nobody but God has taken me out of the miry clay. He stripped me of every thing that would teach me to place my confidence on my flesh rather than His Spirit. For years, he stripped me. While I was wondering how to build a resume, how to pick up the pieces that I always end up scattering on the hallway, in the alleys and on the road… God frustrated my plans, delayed my hopes, and threshed me some more until I am left with nothing. Nothing recovered, not even a speck so I can have a tiny boast. What had been scattered by God had been blown by the wind. Because it pleased Him to see me die. To my dreams, to my strengths, to my pride, to my capacity. It hurt a lot but now I see only through such a broken vessel will He glory.

I am resisting the mirror. Instead I lift my head high. I cannot and must not look any other way. For the moment I do, the wrong questions will come cascading on me. Questions that are not really meant for me to answer. Only God knows the answer to the absurdity of choosing the foolish thing to shame the wise. That, I am learning to embrace. Like right now, I need to learn to accept and believe that it’s okay to look foolish. To have nothing to show for. And yet be bold to rise up and say, God has called me to do a great thing. Perhaps the wise would laugh. But who am I to question God’s choice? Who am I? I am nobody. And yes, it’s okay.


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