I think I’ve just regained my old big appetite. Every two hours now, I go hungry. And whenever it’s meal time, I find myself eating more than what I used to eat. No, I’m not pregnant. Haha. But maybe I am, spiritually.
I try not to think too much. Many times I would just pray that God would give my brain some rest. Just stop thinking Riz, just stop it! But no matter how hard I try not to think, it just goes on and on, like an obsession, even in my sleep!
It’s not that I think of it consciously. It’s just that it’s there, constantly at the back of my mind, like a wonderful what-if-it-happens-I-know-it-will-happen-even-if-I-stop-thinking-about-it dream.
More often now, I’d find myself on either of these two dopes: weeping mode or ‘okay okay, oh God oh God’ mode. I weep because I could not put it into words. God’s dream and zeal is just too real and big that colliding with thoughts of it sends me crying. Then at other times, I’d hear God say, ‘Why can’t you just believe it Riz? Why can’t you just accept the fact that I did promise it and I will do it?’ Then all I could do is say ‘Okay… okay, Oh God oh God.’ More weeping.
It’s like a huge heavy sack of rice on my head (uhm I’ve never tried carrying one but I’m sure it’s heavy). It’s there and unless I do something, it eventually pains my neck. And that something, oftentimes turns out to be, weep some more. Or pass the burden to someone. The second option does not lessen it though, it just enlarges the vision even more.
Oh God I’m tired. I’m at the edge of insanity. But this morning, God heard my plea. And so He reminded me of how he parted the Red Sea. (Oh that rhymes huh?)
Remember Egypt? Remember the years when you were paralyzed by fear and shame that you could not even twitch your toes to get it off the ground to step into your calling? Remember the shores of the Sea where the worst of fears bathed your innards with icy rain as you tried to push your built against a towering giant? On your own, you were a promising loser. But where are you now? You are free.
I have met the God who shatters impossibilities. My spirit burns with desire to rage against another one. High and long like the Great Wall of China. (No I haven’t seen it. Errr. Ehehe) I have met the God! Oh God oh God, we have met indeed. In desperation and victory. How could I question a word you say? And yes I heard you God. You keep saying, Remember Egypt and the Sea. Remember the God you worship. Remember Me.
I am who am.