I was weary of trying. I felt like the man Agur on Proverbs 30:
I am weary, O God; I am weary and worn out, O God.
I am too stupid to be human, and I lack common sense.
I have not mastered human wisdom, nor do I know the Holy One. (v. 1-3)
I was weary of my sin. I kept on telling myself that God loves me and that I should stop sinning, stop striving, but I kept landing on the same rotten thought cycle of figuring out how to please man rather than please God. Let’s deal with this, I told God. Let me run into your arms. I found myself confessing my sin and asking God to bring true repentance (or complete turnaround).
Then I opened the book God and I agreed I should read, the first paragraph of the Introduction spoke these words:
The ultimate answer to the question, Who crucified Jesus? is: God did. It is a staggering thought. Jesus was his Son. And the suffering was unsurpassed. But the whole message of the Bible leads to this conclusion. (Introduction, The Passion of Jesus Christ by John Piper)
Really now? Daddy God, how could you crucify your own son?! I shut my eyes hard and this scenario poured onto my heart: How terrible it is to cause a person, suffering, how much more to inflict it upon the one you love? And I felt that this is precisely the profundity of God’s love for me and you, that He found it in His heart to inflict pain and suffering upon His beloved Jesus. But that was not all. Jesus in his love for his Daddy God, as he weeps in the Garden of Gethsemane, found himself desiring the very same thing that his father desires, to suffer and die for us.
Then it dawned on me, God was saying: I sent Jesus to die in obedience to my will so that you would understand that it is possible for you, darling, to also will what is in my heart. Do not lose hope. Let Jesus show you the way.
Agur continues in Proverbs 30:
Who but God goes up to heaven and comes back down?… Who has created the whole wide world? What is his name — and his son’s name? Tell me if you know? (v.4)
Years before Jesus came, a man seeking wisdom, wondered if God could be known and if His son’s name may be known. Years after Jesus, we realize our privilege to know God and His son’s name, even know God’s heart, and have it in us to desire the very things God desires, thus be free from bondage to sin.
Today, I know that the Father is leading me on to know His Son. His Son, the only Way, the Truth, and the Life. My freedom from selfish ambition. I am determined to know him so that every other area of my life not yielded yet to his lordship, would be surrendered wholly to him.