am i addicted to silence and privacy? well, living with my parents in an apartment with no ‘rooms’ (only a loft) and where we can practically hear each other regardless of which corner of the house we’re in (except then you’re inside the bathroom with door closed – which makes the sound a bit garbled…), such a longing for times of solitude definitely becomes frustrating at times. imagine being heard by everyone inside the house whenever you sniff, or worse yet, whenever you cry.
so how do i worship? well, i do it at the expense of everybody else’s peace. (haha) more often than not, my mom’s… (’cause by dad’s at the office almost 24-7. sigh. talk about dedication to work…!)
my ‘time alone’ is not exactly ‘time alone….’ when my mom is having her time with the tube, i plug in ear phones and pop up the ipod volume. when i need to scream, i plunge my face against a pillow and hope nobody hears. when i sing out of tune, i have to trust that no matter what, i am loved for who i am…
i’ve been asking God to give me my own room but the answer is tarrying quite a bit. but i believe that it’s for a good reason.
for like three years now, God has been chipping away common misconceptions about pursuing Him. one valuable lesson i’ve learned: if you really desire God, you will pursue him NO MATTER WHAT. even if it means an extended ‘semi-quiet’ time because the background sounds just make it difficult for you to focus on His voice.
Undignified worship takes new meaning. it becomes the ONLY way to worship. losing dignity has become a door that must be entered before meeting the Savior. it has become a daily choice that one has to make. the daily discomforts exposed all kinds of lukewarness and mediocrity in loving God.
i used to think this will be some sort of ‘uncomfortable’ season that soon will end. but now, reflecting on it, what God seems to be saying is, should your worship to me look different just because the circumstance is different?
behind closed doors is nice. and it’s what i’m enjoying now while ‘home alone’ in my tita’s apartment. but the ultimate test or PURSUIT is when daily life makes it simply inconvenient. it tests your promises. and it really brings out in the open – if there’s really fire in you.
let’s pursue him. no matter what. (not just figuratively, but literally.)